memento vivere
by Hayashi Mikako
Summary: In which Maki's a girl who believes in magic, and Rin is the star that she so desperately wished for. But in the end, the stars are always out of her reach, and Maki finds herself alone in the darkness once again. Or: a love story between a girl who loved the stars and the stars themselves, a love which was never meant to be.


Maki's the kind of girl who believes in magic and wishing upon the stars, and hope so beautiful and bright it couldn't be anything _but_ magical. Counting those innumerable lights, tracing the stars with her fingertips, _I wish I may I wish I might,_ knowing the sky might never smile back at her. It's enough for her, then, to simply _be_. Just observing, lived but maybe never loved, holding in her heart a wonder for the world and everything around her.

Some nights when it's late and she feels herself falling slowly into the lull of sleep, darkness crowding at the edges of her vision, sometimes it feels as if the stars are so far off. A different plane of existence, someplace she could never reach; mocking her, and it's terrifying. Almost as if she can feel the fear pressing up against her throat and threatening to overtake her, suffocate her, and she cries out alone in the darkness but no one can hear. And then the moment passes and the stars are there again, eternal, ever _just_ beyond fingertips' reach. And Maki wonders if maybe she could have reached the sky, flew free with the stars by her side, then she wouldn't be so alone anymore.

Maybe all Maki wanted was a star in her life.

* * *

First day of high school and all Maki Nishikino wants is to be out of there. She picks a desk as far away from the chalkboard as possible, hoping that if she sits in the corner by the window like some brooding anime protagonist no one will want to talk to her. It's not as though she doesn't _want_ someone to approach her (she really does), it's just that she won't know what to say if someone does. She _knows_ she'll screw up any attempt at communication, make a fool of herself, and probably scare off whoever tried to talk to her anyway. It's much easier to leave an unapproachable reputation on the first day so she can't embarrass herself any further.

In fact, she has it all planned out by the time she enters the classroom, extra-early to make sure she gets the seat she wants. She sits in silence as she watches her new classmates enter in small groups. She recognizes some, but she's sure none of them know her. That's fine—they all seem preoccupied by the friends they already have. Maki is sure she'll make it through the year without having to make a single new friend.

Everything's going smoothly and she's even beginning to wonder why she worried so much when right out of the blue some red-orange blur practically _leaps_ onto her desk and Maki all but shrieks.

She sits up straight, trying to regain her composure as quickly as possible while the speeding object—which turns out to be a _girl_ , to her great surprise—breaks out into a sheepish grin.

"Ah! Rin's sorry for scaring you like that! You see, Rin just got here, and when I came in, I was so surprised to see someone so beautiful in our class! Rin saw you in the district piano competition last year, and Rin thought you were _sooooo_ pretty and talented… And class was about to begin so I just wanted to say hi before class started! Sorry, I guess Rin takes things a little too fast sometimes, heh heh heh…"

Maki stares. The girl stares back. Wide eyes gaze into hers, encompassing a sort of magic Maki can't quite comprehend herself. She jolts, and suddenly all she can think of is the wish she made last night and falling asleep by the window thinking about the stars, and wondering if _maybe, just maybe—_

"Yeah, a little," she responds, immediately humiliated at how her voice trembles. " _Anyway_ , class is starting now, so you should return to your desk." She lets all of this out in one breath, hoping and hoping to _god_ that the girl doesn't notice her massively spreading blush, instead shooting her a disapproving look, and immediately regretting it— _again_. Cold. She's not _trying_ to scare her off, but it happened, exactly what she was trying to avoid. But all she can think about is how much she _wants_ to know more about the girl in front of her—where did she get her slender frame, her strong build? The idea for her hairstyle? Her verbal tic?—but she can't, because she's screwed up, _time and time again_ , waiting too long, speaking too harshly, being too nervous when she shouldn't've been…

She expects the catlike girl to scuttle away and she contemplates stopping her, when instead _she's_ the one taken aback when the orange-haired responds, "Ah! You're right, sorry, Rin can get carried away sometimes…" and walks off humming lightly, completely oblivious to her cold attitude. Maki overhears her saying to her friend, "…and she's _so mature_ too!" And Maki finds herself lost in thought, watching her, this vibrant face, this wonder, this passion and movement and _energy_ , and she's wondering if this is it, this is the star that's meant to be, when she hears the other girl's name announced in the roll call.

"Hoshizora Rin?"

 _Hoshizora_ , she thinks. _Starry sky._

How fitting.

* * *

The Hoshizora girl is not who Maki expected her to be, and she knows it. Even from her spot in the corner of the classroom she can feel the girl's bright energy just _bursting_ , filling the room with the kind of radiance one could only find in the sky at night, lost and then found, shining through clouds and rain, and Maki realizes that morning that magic is real.

It's not until their lunch break that Maki encounters Hoshizora again, this time accompanied by her beloved childhood friend, a girl called Koizumi. Maki hates herself for noting every single movement the two make—almost in sync, two hearts beating as one, having been through so much and so great. She can't help but stare at the way their eyes seem to connect, contrasting pieces fitting together like a difficult but eventually perfect puzzle. It almost puts her in her place—realizing how _goddamned lonely_ she is as all the other girls break into pairs—and without thinking she takes her lunch and flees the scene, struggling to retain as much dignity as she possibly can.

Maki makes every possible action to avoid them, so absolutely terrified of another experience like their first—making a fool of herself in front of _this_ girl in particular—that she's taken to eating her lunch alone in the stairwell, and shutting herself in the music room during each and every free period. Every morning before she enters the classroom she mentally preps herself for seeing the Hoshizora girl again—friendly smile? Always turns into a scowl by the time she opens her mouth. Interesting conversation starters? Will be a glare and a "don't talk to me" by the time she's actually mustered up the courage to _say_ anything. It's not that she doesn't _have_ people skills, she's just out of practice, she tells herself. And so she practices—embarrassingly enough, but she does it anyway. It's worth it, she thinks to herself, each time in front of the mirror in her walk-in closet. _It's for her_ , she thinks, _for the star._ She will never give up hope on that.

But no matter what—no matter how many mirror-conversations she has with herself, how many flashcards she memorizes—it's not good enough. It's just not _real_ enough for her, and Maki's simply not real enough to smile that way—the way Rin's smile lights up her whole face, her whole body. And Maki thinks maybe if she can do that, too, then it'll be enough for Rin.

But it's always good enough for Rin—always, _always_ good enough. The cold-blooded insult will be ready on her lips before she knows it, and she wants to take it back, wants _so_ badly to take those words back because Rin—the star, the angel—doesn't deserve to have to put up with someone like her. But Rin just smiles and says, "I know that's just how Nishikino-san is, so it's okay!"

Maki thinks maybe it hurts her, too. Rin is a good person. She always smiles at everyone and holds doors open for people when they walk by, and greets every teacher when she passes them in the halls. Rin is so bright and so beautiful and all she wants is to make friends with someone who doesn't even know how, and yet she doesn't seem to care that Maki's social skills are certainly not up to par. Even when no one else will, Rin will still smile at her. Rin accepts her anyway.

And eventually she comes to accept Rin. They join the school idol group with the overenthusiastic upperclassmen and Maki wishes she could let herself open up. It's hard, but at least she doesn't feel so alone anymore. At nights she sits by the windowsill again, wondering if the loneliness will swallow her up just like it does each and every time, but then she thinks of Rin's smile, and suddenly the darkness doesn't feel so bad anymore. Every time she feels Rin's presence, her hand on her wrist or her sporadic but loving hugs, she thinks, _this was meant to be_. _This is the star that was sent to guide me._

Maybe it's childish, but Maki comes to believe that she and Rin must be fated.

* * *

"Maaaaaaki-chan!"

With a sigh, the redhead turned to face the excitable girl who was rushing up the hall towards her. "What is it?" Their group meeting has just ended, and everyone else has already left to take care of their personal business. Rin lingers in the hall, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Hey, hey, Maki-chan, you really like the stars and such, right?"

She paused, startled. She hadn't thought Rin would've noticed. "I guess, why?"

"Well, Rin always goes to the park to look at the stars around this time of the year, so Maki-chan should come too nya!"

The _I'm busy_ is already off her tongue before she knows it—her typical excuse to avoid social contact—but she knows Rin can see through that. "Aww, really? Just for a while, c'mon, Maki-chan, _pleeeeease_?"

Maki wonders why she's trying so hard, for _her of all people_ , because she knows she doesn't deserve someone like Rin who honestly really truly and genuinely wants to spend time with her, so she simply twirls her hair and lets herself give in.

It can't be a bad experience, anyway.

* * *

Rin is beautiful, Maki thinks. Her hair glows, as if the dusk itself, under the dim light of the streetlamps. The edges of her fringe blow softly against her cheeks, and her entire face shines with a wonderful hope. Maki watches her from afar, perched on the edge of the wooden park bench, head titled towards the sky, looking almost magical. She might have been content just watching her like this, forever, when Rin turns around at the sound of her footsteps and smiles widely.

"Thanks for coming, Maki-chan!" she exclaims, swinging her feet. "Rin was scared for a while that you weren't going to come, but Rin thought, Maki-chan's not that kind of person, so Rin waited for you!"

Maki blinks, taken aback. "How long have you been out here?"

"Not that long. It's okay. The stars were with me." Rin pats the spot on the bench beside her. "The sky is really pretty tonight though!" She smiled. "Maybe it's because Maki-chan is here."

"What are you talking about?" Maki sighs, moving to where Rin is sitting. "Scootch."

"There's plenty of room," Rin whines, but does so anyway. She then notices the booklet in Maki's hands, "Woahhhh, what's this~" Maki sighs and hands it over. Rin flips through it once or twice, staring at the detailed sketches. "You're real serious about this, aren't you, Maki-chan."

"W-well, not really," Maki says quickly, taking her notebook back. "I just got really into stargazing a little while ago, so I took some notes. Is that so wrong?"

"It's not a bad thing!" Rin chirps. "I really like it! Who would've thought Maki-chan is so good at drawing too. Say, can you draw Rin sometime?"

"Those are diagrams, not portraits," Maki says, pulling back as Rin sticks herself in Maki's precious personal space. "I just make them really quick to remember some of the constellations and stuff. It's more academic than artistic, really."

Rin pouts. "If you say so."

There's a pause, and Maki finally says, "So? Why did you call me out here?" She knows her words sound a little if not too direct, but she's never been one to beat around the bush. Rin just brightens.

"Well, Maki-chan mentioned that she liked stargazing, and she, like, knew a lot about that kind of stuff, right? So Rin was thinking that since Rin comes here all the time at night to look at the stars and stuff, we could go together. Especially since Rin knows next to nothing about constellations and stuff, so Maki-chan can play the cool and knowledgable senpai, nya."

"What are you saying? We're in the same year." Maki sighs for the hundredth time that night. "And I don't know a lot about stars, either. I just researched a little bit when I was in middle school. I do have a telescope, but you didn't tell me to bring anything."

"Aww. That would've been cool!" At Rin's puff-cheeked expression, Maki smiles a little despite herself. "It's okay. You can bring it next time!"

Maki raises an eyebrow. "Next time?"

Rin nods enthusiastically.

Maki leans back, resolving to Rin's words. "Why not."

Rin leans against her, putting her hand up to the sky. "It's pretty, isn't it."

"Yeah," she mutters, as Rin puts her head on her shoulder. It's a warm feeling, being alone with someone who truly and honestly valued her as a person, a friend, and Maki feels her chest tighten.

"Look! A shooting star!" Rin practically yells, bouncing up. Maki glances up just to see the tail of a streak of light making its way across the sky. Rin turns to her, saying, "Rin doesn't know if it's because of Rin's last name, or something, but it seems Rin's always seen more shooting stars than usual!"

Maki blinks, her heart pounding against her ribs, when Rin takes her wrist and pulls her off the bench. "Make a wish, Maki-chan!"

"Alright, alright. Now, you won't ask me what I wished for or anything, right? Because that's a secret."

"Ehhh~ but Rin wants to know nya~"

She doesn't necessarily pride herself in this so-called sentimentality of hers, but she does admit that she overthinks things, so she refuses to believe it's anything short of fate when Rin's hand brushes hers, just lightly. Rin smiles, and Maki finds herself smiling back.

Under the sky like this, all the stars shining bright in Rin's eyes, all Maki can think is _wishes do come true._

* * *

Later that night, Maki wonders if she's fallen in love with Rin.

* * *

"Good work today, everyone," Umi announces, bringing a close to their daily practice. Rin and Honoka cheer, jumping for the door immediately. "Not so fast, Honoka. Have you forgotten about your extra training?" As the ginger-haired leader pouts, Rin simply laughs and grabs her stuff, running to meet Maki and Hanayo at the stairs.

"Kayochin! Maki-chan! Let's go home together nya~"

"O-okay," Hanayo agrees immediately, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. The three of them exit the school gates, listening to Rin's endless chatter. The streets buzz with crowds, but Maki finds herself enjoying it—the rhythm, like finding her place amongst people, amongst friends. Rin's telling them about the time Hanayo won the newest rice cooker model in a competition when they finally reach the intersection.

"I have to go this way," Maki says, pointing down the way towards her house. Rin nods, waving. "Okay~ I'll see you tomorrow then! Come on, Kayochin, let's race to the park!"

"E-eeeehh?" The light turns green, and Rin takes off down the road, a panting Hanayo following her. Maki watches them, feet rooted to the spot, eyes strained to watch their figures vanishing into the distance, cheering and laughing. It's an almost nostalgic feeling, like being brought back to the first days of school, always watching everyone else from behind.

A bus comes roaring by the intersection in front of her, bringing a wind that slaps at her cheeks.

By the time it passes, Rin and Hanayo are already out of sight.

* * *

 **rin-loves-ramen:** good work today makichan! lets go see the stars again on friday nyaaa (*ΦωΦ*)

 **m_nishikino:** creepy

* * *

Time passes, and Maki goes with Rin to see the stars many more times. It's a lot different, watching the stars with someone by her side, and every night, Rin's hand in hers, Maki wishes desperately upon the stars that their time will last, like this, forever. That they will never have to walk their own paths. That the world would just stop, for them, the girl who believed in magic, and the girl who shone like the stars.

She knows it's hopeless, but she never stops wishing.

But time goes on.

The third years graduate, and µ's disbands. Honoka, Umi, and Kotori become busy with college applications and the like, leaving their idol club meetings as usually just her, Rin, and Hanayo. They're still pretty common—they gather to hear Hanayo talk about the newest idol groups and then walk home together. Every day Maki falls more and more hopelessly in love with Rin.

Then the year ends, the upperclassmen go off to college, and it's just the three of them again.

They're still friends, and Maki is grateful for that. She tells herself she doesn't know what she'd do without them, and it's true. They've changed so much since their freshman year, and Maki is scared that they'll grow apart—not like they aren't already. They're each going their separate paths, and as much as Maki wishes their time will never end, she knows there'll be a day when she'll have to say goodbye to Rin forever.

So she has to make the best out of the time they have, she thinks.

Then she laughs at herself. Maybe she's becoming too sappy.

* * *

 **rin-loves-ramen:** were having a µs reunion next saturday! (ﾉΦωΦ)ﾉ

 **rin-loves-ramen:** everyone will be there so u better come (ΦзΦ)

 **rin-loves-ramen:** also we should go see the stars again sometime! we havent done that since like last year

 **rin-loves-ramen:** ]*ΦωΦ)ノ makichan?

* * *

Maki knows that Rin and Hanayo love each other.

The way their hands brush, their eyes lock. They move as a unit, perfect puzzle pieces, and Maki thinks of the constellations glittering in the sky at night, always there for each other, hand in hand. She thinks of herself, stuck on the ground, watching them from afar, never being able to reach them no matter how hard she tries, because she's trapped and grounded by her own dreams. She thinks of Rin's smile, which has never left her side. And she thinks of Rin and Hanayo and everything they've gone through together and how she knows it's not fair that she's butting into their relationship now. So she keeps her mouth shut and thoughts to herself, even when the sight of them makes her chest ache, her eyes catching every subtle movement—holding hands under the desk, catching the other's eye from across the room, complementing each other in a way only soulmates could. She keeps her mouth shut and her eyes on the ground and wishes she never had to go through this.

It's not until the week before their high school graduation that the two of them actually officially announce their relationship. The upperclassmen from the original µ's had stopped in town for a reunion, and the nine of them were gathered in Honoka's family's shop. It's always a festive meeting, seeing the old third years and second-years-turned-third-years, now college students. Just as everyone's saying their goodbyes, Hanayo speaks up, looking even more nervous than usual. Rin puts a comforting hand on her arm, and the two smile at each other, and Maki feels her skin boiling.

"U-um…. I just wanted you all to know that, ah, R-Rin-chan and I, are, um. Um. _Inarelationship._ " Hanayo's face is bright red, but Rin simply smiles at her, holding her hand.

 _"_ _You're dating?_ " Nico screeches, and then falls onto the carpet when Hanayo nervously informs her that she is correct. "God, I'm surrounded by gays," she groans, burying her head in her hands, and Nozomi pats her shoulder awkwardly.

Umi goes on to say something else, but Maki can't hear her. How can she, when her entire innards have just been ripped out and thrown in a bloody heap on the floor, her stomach churning as if she's going to throw up any minute, red lines blurring on the sides of her vision. _God, why does it hurt so bad?_ She tells herself she saw this coming, she tells herself this is always what was meant to be, so there's absolutely no reason for her to be so upset.

Except there is. It hurts. She _knows_ she's been hoping against hope that maybe, maybe she was wrong—maybe, _maybe_ Rin would still love her, that she wouldn't turn out alone in the end. But she knows that just hoping never solves anything, and she was childish, stupid to ever even believe she had a chance. Hanayo is a good person. Hanayo will treat Rin the way she deserves to be treated. And Maki, _god_ , she's only going to be selfish and hurt her. She's a bad person, and even if she tries as hard as she can to fix it—to be _better_ —it's too late already, because she waited too long, because she blindly and self-absorbedly thought Rin would love her anyway. She deserves every bit of pain that she's going through.

She wipes the tears from her eyes and tells herself that she doesn't have to right to cry.

* * *

"Maki-chan," Rin says quietly. It's unlike her. Maki listens, but she doesn't say anything.

There's nothing she _can_ say.

"Maki-chan, I…" she drifts off. Maki feels the bitterness welling up in her throat, pulsing in her temples, pushing against her mind. She wants to tell her, tell her everything— _I love you, I'm sorry, I don't deserve someone like you, god, why did I have to love you—_ all the words pressing against her mind, threatening to spill out.

She presses her lips against each other, trembling, scared that if she opens her mouth it'll all come spewing out, all those selfish words—

"Maki-chan, listen," Rin says firmly, taking her hand. "I don't know how you're feeling right now, so please talk to me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I just wanted to wait until everyone was there. I, I'm sorry I didn't ask you about this. Listen, Maki-chan, I just wanted to, no, I'm sorry, I know you're hurting and it's because of me. And I'm sorry. So please, just listen to me, just don't ignore me, Maki-chan, Maki-chan please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

She's hurt her, Maki thinks. She's hurt the one person in the world that she never wants to hurt and she hates herself. She can't control her actions and she can't control these _goddamned feelings_ and she's hurt her. Rin is sorry for something that isn't her fault, Rin is sorry because she can't love Maki back, and Maki almost hates her for being so selfless.

She wants to say something. Hold her back. She's leaving, Maki can see it, disappearing, fading out of her life. Maki's too slow for her, too insignificant, and before she knows it Rin'll be gone. And she thinks if only she could say something, try to hold onto her, then maybe she'll stay. But how could she do something like that to Rin?

"I'm sorry, I just… is it alright?"

 _No_ , she thinks. _Never_.

She wants to hate her, but she can't; she couldn't. It hurts and she wants to hate her for putting her through this pain, for giving her hope just before snatching it away again, for leaving her. But she can't say anything to hold her back, because she _told_ herself she's not going to hurt Rin again, she's not going to let her selfish desires get the best of her, and she has to let go even if it hurts.

 _Think about other people for once in your life._

Rin deserves to be happy. Hanayo deserves to be happy. Neither of them deserve to be weighed down by her. _I'm sorry_ , Rin said, and Maki knows that if she doesn't say anything now, she'll never have a chance again—never be able to hold her, see the stars with her, _love_ her.

"Rin," she says. _I love you,_ she thinks. _I wish you would love me instead._ "It's alright. I'm happy for you."

 _No._

 _Please, come back to me._

"Thank you," Rin whispers, giving her a shaky smile. It makes Maki's heart ache just a little bit less—knowing that Rin will be okay, that Maki was able to see her smile in the end.

 _Please, don't let this be the end._

Footsteps echo down the hall, growing softer and softer.

 _Rin_ , she thinks.

But she's already gone.

* * *

That night she dreams she's drowning. It's cold and dark and she can't breathe, and she thinks she can see the sky, somewhere far beyond the surface. She reaches for it, but the stars simply laugh at her. She sees Rin, and she opens her mouth in a silent scream, and water rushes in, surrounding her, suffocating her. She can't see anything except Rin's figure, but she's not meeting her eyes. _Help me_ , she screams, but Rin turns away. The silence presses on her chest. Everything gives way to the cold, and she drowns in the darkness, completely and utterly alone.

* * *

Rin is a good person. Hanayo is a good person. All Maki can think is _why, why won't she love me—_ but she knows she already knows the answer. _Where did I go wrong?_ No, she thinks. She never had a chance anyway, and she was stupid to believe she did. Hanayo is beautiful. She's pure and sweet and selfless and down-to-earth and hardworking and she's everything Maki isn't. She's the kind who'd make a good girlfriend, a good wife, and Maki knows that even if she hopes and hopes it's not possible, and she was only too selfish to believe that Rin would ever love someone like her—ungraceful, childish, overthinks things too easily, too sentimental, always has her head up in the clouds. It stabs through her head like a burst of pain—she's not good enough, never been good enough for Rin. She can't control her words and she has too many unnecessary feelings and she hurts Rin without wanting to—she had even wished for a star, so selfishly believing that a star would ever want to be by her side anyway.

Maki remembers watching the night sky and reaching her hands as far as they would go—thinking that maybe if she stretches on her tiptoes and lunges as far as possible she could just brush the edges of stardust, the brightness _just_ out of her grasp. And stupidly, it even hurts to realize that she was wrong all this time—to think she could ever find her place beside someone so bright and beautiful.

The stars were always out of her reach.

So Rin leaves. She graduates, moves in with Hanayo, and their story ends. She still calls once in a while, and the three of them meet occasionally, but there's always an air of distance. Rin _is_ the stars, and she's moved on, leaving Maki behind on the ground. They speak and Maki wishes ( _if she can still wish_ ) that she'd never even met her, because it hurts, _too much_ , too see her—just barely out of reach, always.

They gradually grow apart, and before she knows it, Rin is gone.

And that's it. She didn't even get a chance. It almost doesn't feel real—the impending explosion, soundless, building in the back of her mind, and it's like she can't feel it anymore, detached from her body. And all she can think of is Rin's smile, never failing—always _just_ out of reach, because she'd tried too hard and hoped too much, given in to her silly childish dream of love and happy endings. And it almost doesn't feel real, but the thing is, she _knows_ it's real. And it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and she can't do a single damn thing to stop it. And she knows that even if she cries and begs and counts every single star in the sky, _I wish I may I wish I might_ , she'll never find the sky this bright again, full of hope and _future_ , and _god_ all she wants is to be able to hold her again. But it's different, she's not hers, and Maki knows that only children believe in wishes.

If only she could have stayed a child for a moment longer.

She grabs her head as if she can hold _her_ , maybe, and pull everything back together, all the little pieces strewn across the darkness like stars, but it's impossible—nothing is reversible. The birth of a universe, the death of a star, everything was planned out long ago. The world doesn't grant wishes. She was stupid to think it did.

(Maybe if she'd done something better, maybe if she'd _been_ better, then maybe— _maybe_ —)

Maki's the kind of girl who would have believed in the stars, before she grew up and found everything taken away from her again. Maki's the kind of girl who _knows_ that wishes don't just come true, and that only children believe in magic—but Maki's the kind of girl who wishes anyway.

* * *

 **A/N:** _hello everyone! it's been a while hasn't it! here i bring you some angsty rinmaki because there's never enough angsty rinmaki. it's technically also pretty fluffy rinpana, just from an angsty maki's pov. i'm pretty meh about rin's characterization here, especially her speaking (and texting www) habits but ah well,,, hope you enjoyed and don't forget to leave a review!_


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